A Doctor Who Business Letter

Dear Sir,
     It has come to my attention that Charles City is considering melting snowmen. Time and Tide is better for that. To achieve Time and Tide, one needs a TARDIS and a Time Lord with an accent that sounds vaguely Scottish (which means everything he says instantly sounds cool). You could also use a Time Lord with curly hair and a long scarf, or one with a recorder, or one with spikey hair. Spikey like a teenage wierdo, but he claims it is modern. Aces are helpful, as they are rare (unlike alien swords, especially the exotic kind).
     Snowmen put up fights, especially if they are being controlled by a Great Intelligence. But those are the furry, murderous type. The kind you are reffering to probably are made of ice or snow. If it is ice, make they are not Warriors. If they are… run. But only run after the Time Lord with the recorder tells you to.
     Snowmen that can be melted by time and tide (remember, you need a TARDIS) normally don't hurt you. Unlike giant pepper pots (oh by the way, if you see those… run, but only when the Time Lord with the recorder tells you; don't listen to the one with the scarf, because his brain is a bit scrambled, at least in the words of a certain Time Lord hermit. Hermit as in person who lives from people, not the hermit crab or any crab… especially the giant ones).
     Don't blink.
     Blink and you're dead.
     Don't turn around.
     Don't run. And What ever you do…
     Don't blink.
     When you melt the snowman (by Time and Tide), you may want to upgrade. Remember, upgrade is compulsary. You will be upgrade, or deleted. If you do not wish to be upgraded… get some gold. Or a gold badge. Or run (just when the Time lord tells you). If you happen to see a small silver bug, immediatley spray with plastic or give then a complete metal breakdown (sorry, couldn't resist).
     Don't trust plastic statues. Or people dressed as Santa playing music that dosen't match with the Brass instruments they are playing.
     When the clock breaks, look in the fireplace and call for the Time Lord with spikey hair (sorry, "modern" hair). Oh, and if you hear ticking, get some wine and don't look under the bed.
    Now to the furry snowmen. They may be cute, but be warned. They do kill. And shoot web. Evil, intelligent web. If you see one, run (only when told), find the Colonel- soon- to- be- Brigader, or run down a hill. For they will most likely fall and tumble down the hill. Watch out for Tibetans. And small silver spheres. Sadly, they can not be given a complete metal breakdown.
     Have a jelly baby while waiting for the melting, especially when offered by the Time Lord with the scarf. It is also fine to offer one to the Snowmen (the furry ones or the Warriors, not the one you are melting).
     Speaking of the Warriors, when confronted by one, find a hair dryer. They do not like heat. They will die. But, watch out for the foam with the seeds in it. Those Deathly ones.
     Don't blink.
     Remember it snows it Scotland. There might be Snowmen there (either the furry or ice) along with a hairy legged highlander. There will also a large cyborg in the water, that may be mistaken for the Loch Ness Monster. If you see it, consult the Time Lord with the scarf, with the pretty journalist.
     Run when he knocks four times. Only if the Time Lord with the "modern" hair tells you to. Not the one with the recorder, this does not concern him. Well, technically it does. Oh well, regeneration is confusing.
     Speaking of regeneration, look out for a highly melodramatic corpse (whose mouth hardly moves) or one with a rubbish beard (or a wife). Run from the drums with the rhythm of four. You know, tap-tap-tap-tap. Like the heart beat of a Time Lord. Or, the knock. Run from the knock.
     Watch out for Mummies. No, not your mummy (although, run from gas mask calling for their mummy). These mummies have red crystals in their backs. The crystals have no purpose. The mummies serve a highly melodramatic Egyptian god. Do not make him angry, or you will become his plaything. Like Neil, before of the might of this god. If you see something called "Fury from the Deep", keep it from being burned by this god.
     The size of Belgium is very un-dramatic.
     Celery is a brave choice, not many men can pull of a decorative veggie. Although, the Time Lord with blonde hair can. If you see him with a sad face, give hug for his recent lost. Although in retrospect, this companion isn't missed by many people.
     Don't Blink.
     
     This letter has been brought to you by pie. Pie is good. Like bananas.      
     CAUTION: Since this story is essentially crack, if you print it off and grind it into powder and snuff it, you will become high.